Manly Twilight 5: The Gritty Reboot

Part 1

- Origins -

The tavern was thick with smoke and the stench of cheap alcohol. Seldom words were exchanged between the regular patrons, most of which had already passed out drunk, spilling their drinks onto the moldy wooden floor. The crash of the door came in sync with that of the thunder, making it unnoticeable to most. Following the crash was a man with torn clothes, covered in blood and mud, limping on the ground. The man's words were barely audible, his voice grasping for air, trembling and speaking through the sound of the heavy rain outside, the man's last word was "werewolf". Not a soul in the tavern helped the poor man.

The following day, the mayor of the fair town of Forks, WA. gave a speech in front of town hall to calm the restless sea of people who had come to complain of werewolf attacks. Throughout his speech it was painfully obvious that he had no idea what was going on. Suddenly a voice echoed through the courtyard.

"Lyncans" voiced a man wearing a black leather jacket and wayfarer sunglasses, loading a double barreled sawed-off shotgun "If you want to get rid of them you talk to me"

"Who are you?" demanded the mayor "And what do you know about lyncans?"

"Well for one, I fight them" Said he before pulling down his jacket's sleeve, revealing a deep scar of werewolves claws covered in a fine, thin silver dust, making him quite "sparkly" in the sunlight. "I'll get your Lyncans, all I need is a motorcycle and some ammunition."

"I suppose we could arrange this, but tell us, what do we call you?"

"You an call me Edward. Edward Cullen."

Brian Aubert Does Not Sing Like A Girl

Fuck you guys.

Manly Twillight

Edward was cruising down the avenue of a little town in Washington called Forklift or some stupid shit like that, forced to lay low for a while after being wanted by the law for destroying an oil rig to get even with the oil tycoon who killed his friend. Edward, wearing his leather jacket, smoking a cigar was riding down the street in this sweet ass chopper. Tokyo drifting his way into the parking space in front of the bar he flicked the rest of his cigar onto the face of some Ed Hardy shirt wearing punk. He entered the bar and ordered the manliest drink available: Tequila in a large black coffee. Edward gulped the fucker down like a goddamn shooter. Edwards tab was of a fucking uppercut right up the fucking bartenders face, his tip was a brass knuckle. Edward observed the dames strolling down the avenue until he met his match, this tall brunette with legs that wound't stop. He hopped onto his minigun armed chopper and followed Bella, because that was her name. The two performed a sick ass high speed chase throughout the city, ending when Edward jumped a fucking ramp and shot his way through a fucking dragon.

EVERYTHING ABOUT THIS PICTURE IS THE GREATEST THING EVER

When Edward reached up to Bella she was standing on top of a hill behind her army of some 5000 Werewolves.

"Lyncans" Murmured Edward through his teeth. "I should have known."

Edward took out his silver battle ax, covered in blood and started hacking his way through werewolves. The clash of steel against their furry flesh painted the ground in crimson red, Edward was one one against impossible odds but never stopped swinging his shard of silver like a madman, bringing an unstoppable wheel of death around him.

Edward Cullen (Artists representation)

Then Jacob was the only one left.

"Jacob!" Yelled Edward through his blood drenched vocal chords "You know what you are? You're a goddamn coward!"

"Fuck off sparkles" retorted Jacob.

"Snappy comeback" quipped Edward.

Edward and Jacob exchanged fists over the barren wasteland of volcanic lava and corpses until Jacob pinned Edward down over the edge of a fiery pit.

"Any last words, fairy boy?"

"I'm not a fairy..." said Edward "I'm. A. VAMPIRE!"

And with that Edward head butted Jacob so hard that his skull caved in. Pulling his limb carcass over the edge, Edward left Jacob fall to his death in a pit of white hot magma. Edward got up, looked over at Bella, who was BITING HER LIP.

"Nice job jackass." Said Bella "Now you've wiped out the entire state"

Edward stayed silent. He put his fedora on his head and lit another cigar.

"Wait you hairy mongoloid" plead Bella "What will I do in this post-apocalyptic wasteland now?"

"Frankly my dear" Answered Edward, "I don't give a Van Damme" before delivering a graceful split kick to her face.

THE END